My Truth is Beautiful

The last few years have been a whirlwind of self discovery. I’ve faced some of the most difficult challenges I could ever imagine, and grown by leaps and bounds as an individual.

When I started this blog over two years ago, I was on a spiritual quest for truth. I also felt that my findings and thoughts might resonate with other people, and longed for a community to share ideas with, learn from, and have mutual support for the journey. I certainly found that and more here. You have been a wonderful comfort when I felt alone in my faith and with life in general. Your comments helped me become stronger when I felt defeated. They also challenged me to dig deeper into my emotions, and discover their origins, because knowledge of self is incredibly important - it allows us to discover truth at it’s source.

My truth is beautiful.

I’m standing in a very different place now. The journey is not complete; it has simply changed course. The urgency I felt about finding my own faith is gone. I’ve made peace with it. I believe what I believe, and the details just aren’t as important anymore. This new direction has challenged the way I view myself and the role I have in this life. Past struggles, as frustrating and painful as they were (some still are), are actually blessings in disguise. They have altered my spiritual landscape, and shifted the illusion of control from my head to my heart.

It’s a wonderful place to be.

I don’t know what the future holds, but the present moment is soothing and still. The waters have finally calmed after the storm, and I stand on the shore with a smile. Life looks very different now, but it’s a good sort of different – the kind that begs to be explored, and I am now brave enough to try.

Welcome to my present. I am stepping out of my comfort zone and trying new things. I am learning my own strength, and trusting that I can be alone without needing to fear it. I’m embracing my creativity, leaning on my intuition, and trying to navigate with self-confidence. I am not defined by where I’ve been, but who I have become, and where I intend to go.  

This is the new and improved me!

Cheers, Christina

How Glorious!

If I wasn’t afraid.
If there was nothing holding me back.
If money was of no consequence.
If I stop caring what others think.
If I stop judging myself and ridiculing my body.
What would I want to do with this life?
What might I try?
How might I express
My sheer “alive”ness?
Where could my creativity fly?
What would-be smiles are awaiting discovery?
What can I savor?
Where will I go?

There are no restraints
Except for those
We place upon ourselves.

How glorious!

~CLB, 2012, taking my shackles off one at a time

Not As We

“Not As We,” by Alanis Morissette

Reborn and shivering
Spat out on new terrain

Unsure, unconvincing
This faint and shaky hour

Day one, day one, start over again
Step one, step one
I’m barely making sense for now
I’m faking it ’til I’m pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as I
And not as we

Gun shy and quivering
Timid without a hand

Feign brave with steel intent
Little and hardly here

Day one, day one, start over again
Step one, step one
With not much making sense just yet
I’m faking it til I’m pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as I
And not as we

Eyes wet toward
Wide open frayed
If God’s taking bets
I pray He wants to lose

Day one, day one, start over again
Step one, step one
I’m barely making sense just yet
I’m faking it til I’m pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as I
And not as we

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1pOjcAiMZO4

Stepping through the Door

A special thank you to Arjuna at The Wondrous Dharma for sharing this beautiful Mary Oliver poem with me. It has given much to think about this morning, and so I wanted to pass it along:

When Death Comes

When death comes
like the hungry bear in autumn;
when death comes and takes all the bright coins from his purse

to buy me, and snaps his purse shut;
when death comes
like the measle-pox;

when death comes
like an iceberg between the shoulder blades,

I want to step through the door full of curiosity, wondering:
what is it going to be like, that cottage of darkness?

And therefore I look upon everything
as a brotherhood and a sisterhood,
and I look upon time as no more than an idea,
and I consider eternity as another possibility,

and I think of each life as a flower, as common
as a field daisy, and as singular,

and each name a comfortable music in the mouth
tending, as all music does, toward silence,

and each body a lion of courage, and something
precious to the earth.

When it’s over, I want to say: all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was a bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.

When it’s over, I don’t want to wonder
if I have made of my life something particular, and real.
I don’t want to find myself sighing and frightened,
or full of argument.

I don’t want to end up simply having visited this world.

~ Mary Oliver

Sitting with My Lemons

You know the saying, “When life hands you lemons, make lemonade?”

Or the funnier version, “When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt?”

Sayings like these help to make light out of our everyday struggles. When a particular struggle is really not that bad, little anecdotes are great. They give us a small boost, a giggle (or eyeroll), and we move on with our day. But for more serious situations – when there is real difficulty – lemonade just doesn’t seem to cut it.

Why do we have a need to fix things quickly? Instant gratification isn’t always better. In some ways, it can be downright harmful. When real problems present themselves, should we just make the best of it as the sayings suggest and move on? Why are we so scared of sitting with our lemons?

Because it makes us uncomfortable. Our Real Struggles make us realize we aren’t in control. Life isn’t working out according to our plan. We feel miserable, and call ourselves names such as “Stupid,” or ”Failure.” Or we look for a scapegoat for our lemons, and call ourselves by another name: “Victim.” We internalize this negative thought, and rush to make that lemonade, because that is what society dictates we should do. Anything but a smile is just not good enough. Expressing our uncertainty is bad. Don’t let them see your weakness. 

I have been blaming myself  for years now. Beating myself up emotionally for something that is beyond my control. And I admit, making that hypothetical lemonade and just moving on  had a strong appeal. But with a struggle this huge…  There is just so much that needed to be faced, questioned, and understood. Sitting with my lemons was terrifying, but incredibly necessary. It has given me an incredible resource: a revelation of my true inner strength, at a magnitude I did not think I was capable of. And the knowledge that any future lemons sent my way are not something to be feared and squashed. I will sit with them when they come. Confront. Understand. Be.

Things cannot be bright and shiny all the time. We cannot try to assuage the dark times in our lives by dousing them with sugar. Through this process I have come to realize that Real growth occurs when we embrace the balance.

After all, a roller coaster is not much fun if it’s just climbing, or falling, all of the time.  It’s the balance of the two that makes the ride great.

Uncorked

Uncorked

Just a sip
To see how it tastes
To take the bitterness with the sweetness
And learn to savor them both

But there’s more in the bottle
More bitterness to address
More sweetness to remember
With each sip
There is pain at memories uncovered
Anger, Shame, Sadness
And there is joy in reminiscing
Remembering, Reliving

Finishing the bottle is
Difficult at times
But through the process
Of becoming empty
I can look at the past with new eyes
And choose for myself
What stays behind
And what comes along for the ride

~CLB, 2012

The Smoky Sea

I am floating on a sea of fog
Sinking slowly into myself
Pondering how curiously thick this fog is
Swirling smoke around me
Around my fingers
Curving and moving as I wish it
Beautiful, Captivating
But who’s to say it’s real?
Only when I get to the bottom of me
Will I be truly free

~CLB 2012