Cold Inside
December 9, 2010 3 Comments
Our festive fireplace
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas. This is my favourite time of year.
It’s cold outside. Everyone is bundled up in coats and scarves, mittens and hats, talking happily of Christmas presents and decorating and family travel plans. The tree is up, the lights are lit, the stockings are hung. There are candles on the mantle and there’s firewood in the hearth. Cheery holiday music greets us in our homes, in our cars, in the shops. The excitement hangs in the air, tangible and infectious. The smells of warm cocoa, spiced cider and cinnamon, mulled wine… fresh fir trees… fireplace smoke… cookies baking. We are surrounded by the magic of Lights, Warmth, and Love.
And yet.
It’s cold inside. The happiness of the season has not completely engulfed me this year as it has in previous years. The decorations are beautiful as always, the songs catchy and momentarily uplifting, but these outward images that usually hold magic for me are overshadowed by this cold dark depression harbored inside. Always trying to hitch a smile in place for everyone, and it’s become increasingly difficult. Instead of making ginger bread and planning winter gatherings, I want nothing more than to curl up in a ball and cry until there is nothing left of me but a puddle on the ground. Why? For so many reasons, some of which I’m not consciously aware of yet. And regardless of the questionable rationality of these reasons, the pain involved is very real. I hurt.
Image from Etsy.com
Not a pain that can be kissed away easily, but a pain that only those who suffer with depression can understand.
For now I am smiling through it all. Holding my head high and standing tall. Doing my part to make the house a warm and inviting place this Christmas, without bringing others down. Having conversations. Preparing meals. Going to work. Being the good wife, daughter, friend. But when the music stops and the guests leave, when the embers and laughter die down, I can set this cheerful mask aside and collapse from the enormous effort it takes to pretend.
The Solstice approaches, and a New Year will soon begin. Whatever changes come with it, I hope and pray that they will help me to heal and bring me peace.
Empty Words 
Winter is also the time of death, dormancy and pruning so that something new can come. That does not make the darkness lighter but it does bring hope that it will pass, spring, light and something new will wander through our lives as certain as foot pints in the snow.
I hold to this hope when all else seems lost, that I live I breathe and nothing stand still.
With winter’s chill comes the secret, silent promise of spring. It may not be apparent, but under the cold that blankets everything life is preparing to return, brilliant and fresh. So, too, runs the course of our lives, even those of us who suffer depression’s tortures. Believe in that quiet promise. It will warm, lighten, brighten. Don’t fake your way through, but don’t let the low point of now trick you into thinking that it will never get better. It will, and I’m here.
Hi Christina — I can say that my husband really did a 180 after getting some good antidepressants. I’m not saying I know what you are going through — but I have lived with someone suffering from depression, and the meds really made a difference…I hope you feel better soon.