A Peaceful Haven

Comfort is extremely important.

Over the past few months I have slowly tried to make my living situation more comfortable, because it is one thing I have some control over. I’ve made my living space as peaceful as possible, with whites, creams, pale yellows, and light blues. I’ve purchased a brand new bed : a queen-sized pillow-top mattress set, all to myself. I bought the softest oversized down-alternative duvet I could find, and it’s like wrapping myself in puffy white clouds. New pillows, new sheets. I’ve indulged in epsom salts, and aromatherapy candles, and flowers. The clutter has been cleared out, so the space feels much more relaxed. I can breathe easier in this room than I can in the rest of the house.

This year I will be moving out. Getting divorced. Starting fresh in a life that is just my own. Jumping off the proverbial Marriage cliff into the sea of uncertainty. My spouse has reminded me many times that there are two ways of reaching this sea: Blindly diving off the cliff, or taking small steps down to the water. I hold this image in my mind whenever our current situation feels stagnant or confining. Which would I rather have? The end result is going to be the same. It’s how we arrive there, and our comfort level along the way, that is most important.

I would much rather be prepared, both financially and emotionally, for my new future than to just dive in head first and hope for the best.

Comfort therefore plays a huge role in present and future events, so anything I can do to maximize that comfort level every step of the way, is of the utmost importance. The years of being uncomfortable in my own shoes, in my own skin, in my own life – relationships – everything – are coming to an end.

Creating a safe and peaceful haven was the first step. It has given me the sanctuary needed to grow comfortable with myself. In this space I’m learning to trust my intuition more. Faith and Spiritual practices have re-entered my life, in a new and comfortable way. I feel more at peace, and have more positive energy now than I have in years.

Letting go of the clutter, anger, negativity, hopelessness, worry, and useless distractions has freed me up to start enjoying life again. That’s not to say I don’t feel those things every once in a while; I do. But I have a plan now. A “genuinely me” goal, and I’m moving toward it slowly but surely. Where willpower has failed me in the past, this time it’s different. I am going to succeed. It’s already happening.

The next step is building the self-confidence I’ve misplaced. Separating finances, learning to pay my own bills and trusting that I can manage money when I’ve never had to before. Taking better care of myself, learning to say NO and stick up for myself, taking pride in my appearance and trusting my abilities…

With each little step away from “us”, I take a step closer to being my true self. And that’s a greater comfort than any duvet could ever hold.

Heart Unplugged

Unplug:
Live Your Life Like
Soft Acoustic Melody

Let Go:
Live Your Life Genuinely
Free Of Fear And Shame

Rip That Band-Aid Off
And Expose The Wound To
Clean Water
Fresh Air

We Heal Faster
When We Unplug
And Expose Our Hearts
To Peace

~CLB 2011

In the Quiet

There is a part of me that longs for quiet. Real quiet. That every sound might fade away until just my breath and my heartbeat remain.

But quiet applies to more than just sound. I long for the quiet of peaceful situations. That the chaos of life around me would stop, if for only a moment, until that all elusive centering peace can be obtained, and enjoyed. I want to submerge myself in it. I want to float on the gentle waves of Presense. To close my eyes, and not a single distraction pull me away from this quiet space.

With quietness of sound and quietness of space, I can then move into quietness of mind. I can S L O W D O W N the thoughts that have tossed and tumbled, around and around in my mind like a waterspout. Persistent. Relentless. I want to let go of the feelings they bring. I want to scream them out into the dark until they too are enveloped by quiet. I want each passing thought, both mundane and damaging, to melt like wax in the presense of flame. To drip, slowly and steadily, away until I am left only with the delicate smoke of my prayers. To feel real quiet, to live real quiet. To bring to a halt the wildly spinning top that reflects my torturing inner voice, and simply REST.

Please… please hear my quiet prayer.

On Suffering

Down comes the white picket fence

When I focus on something bad
It becomes more intense,
But when I distract myself,
Draw my attention toward other things,
What once was bad
Becomes mild
And soon,
It does not affect me
At all.

It is the same with the
Spiritual Life.

Focusing only on worldly things
Will cause want,
And lead to suffering that
Intensifies with time,
But when we free ourselves from
Worldly pursuits,
And direct our attention to
The Love that is God,
Our soul’s true desire
Is Realized.
Satisfied.

And our suffering
Will cease
To be.

~CLB 2011

Surreality

Have you ever stepped so far out of what we call reality that finding your way back seems impossible? Just the simple act of opening our eyes… after deep meditation, this is not always an easy feat. And then, there is what we do after opening our eyes: Stretching. Looking around. Slowly getting to our feet. Acknowledging every movement that is made, every sound that is heard.

Simple tasks seem unimportant. Worries disappear. Life itself slows down, as if to match its rhythm with our own heartbeat. Every breath is a conscious act, and our thoughts are peaceful, quieted.

Surreal.

Resting Place

Give me a place where I can rest,
A place to recollect and start again.

Not a cushy king-size bed at a five-star hotel,
Not a park bench exposed under a starry sky,
Not a blanket by some long-forgotten shore,
This is not the rest I’m speaking of.

Lead me to the place inside
Where my soul can grow in strength.
Take me to the place of peace
Where my heart will know no sadness.

Physical rest is a mere shadow
Of the spiritual renewal I’m asking for.
The perfect rest found in Your Presence,
The Luminous Place inside my soul.

You, Oh God, are the rest I crave.

May the sun set on Me,
And rise on Thee.

~CLB 2011

Remember Who You Are

I cannot tell you how many times I’ve felt overwhelmed by life. When things get stressful, get so difficult that it feels as if this life is more burden than gift… it’s hard to cope.

But when I take time to stop, and just breathe – I am reminded how special, how important, how loved each of us are. Focusing on the negative will eat away at our spirits until we drown in a sea of self loathing and blame. But if we keep our eyes on God – on Beauty – on the Love and Light inside our hearts – suddenly the towering waves closing in on us are reduced to gentle ripples. And we can smile, even laugh again, as we are carried along on the waters of Faith.

Take time for yourself, to STOP… and to breathe. Remind yourself just how special, important, and loved you are. Feel it in each deep breath you take. And watch those waves slowly but surely melt away. You deserve to enjoy the life you’ve been given.

 

"Letting the ripples carry you," Lake Ella 2011

Cold Inside

Our festive fireplace

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas. This is my favourite time of year.

It’s cold outside. Everyone is bundled up in coats and scarves, mittens and hats, talking happily of Christmas presents and decorating and family travel plans. The tree is up, the lights are lit, the stockings are hung. There are candles on the mantle and there’s firewood in the hearth. Cheery holiday music greets us in our homes, in our cars, in the shops. The excitement hangs in the air, tangible and infectious. The smells of warm cocoa, spiced cider and cinnamon, mulled wine… fresh fir trees… fireplace smoke… cookies baking. We are surrounded by the magic of Lights, Warmth, and Love.

And yet.

It’s cold inside. The happiness of the season has not completely engulfed me this year as it has in previous years. The decorations are beautiful as always, the songs catchy and momentarily uplifting, but these outward images that usually hold magic for me are overshadowed by this cold dark depression harbored inside. Always trying to hitch a smile in place for everyone, and it’s become increasingly difficult. Instead of making ginger bread and planning winter gatherings, I want nothing more than to curl up in a ball and cry until there is nothing left of me but a puddle on the ground. Why? For so many reasons, some of which I’m not consciously aware of yet. And regardless of the questionable rationality of these reasons, the pain involved is very real. I hurt.

Image from Etsy.com

Not a pain that can be kissed away easily, but a pain that only those who suffer with depression can understand.

For now I am smiling through it all. Holding my head high and standing tall. Doing my part to make the house a warm and inviting place this Christmas, without bringing others down. Having conversations. Preparing meals. Going to work. Being the good wife, daughter, friend. But when the music stops and the guests leave, when the embers and laughter die down, I can set this cheerful mask aside and collapse from the enormous effort it takes to pretend.

The Solstice approaches, and a New Year will soon begin. Whatever changes come with it, I hope and pray that they will help me to heal and bring me peace.

The Story of the Pebble

Pebbles & Clover, Stanley Park, Vancouver

Even the Smallest of Pebbles come from the Grandest of Mountains.

The plain, the colorful, the sharp, the smooth, the dull, the shiny… every pebble is a part of something larger, a part of the Earth. Rocks are an integral part of their surroundings, thoroughly connected to the elements around them: earth, air, water. Sometimes they’re even connected to the fire element, if you bang them together, creating sparks.

Animals walk over and around them, and use them for shelter or a warm place to sleep. They drink water that has been collected in pools laced with stones. And sometimes (such as with goats) they even ingest the stones themselves. Insects take refuge underneath them. Tree roots grow around them. And lichen and moss give softness to their edges.

Some of my special rocks

Frequently people like myself collect rocks, place value on them, PRIZE them for their beauty – their rare and precious gemstone hearts. Rocks can be extremely valuable in other ways too: they are used to make homes, roads, and many other useful things. To say that any one rock stands alone, or has no point, is absurd. Everything is connected. Everything has purpose.

Rocks look different in different parts of the world. Some are limestone, some are volcanic. Still others are formed by compressed clay. And one of my favourites is slate, which lined the gorge at Taughkannuk Falls in Ithaca NY, where my family used to visit often when I was young. Some rocks have pieces of seashell embedded in them, or fossils, diamonds… little treasures just waiting to be discovered.

Every rock has a history, tells a story. Where did it come from? How did it arrive where it is at this moment? Where will it end up? Perhaps it was from a great mountain, and carried to its current location by a rock-loving hiker, like the pebble I brought home from our trip to Mount Rainier.

View from our trail on Mount Rainier

Or perhaps it was created by a volcano, thousands of miles away, then cooled in the Pacific ocean only to wash up on shore and be discovered by a prayerful beach-comber, such as the lovely volcanic stone my best friend Evie mailed to me from Costa Rica. Some are carried in riverbeds and streams. Others still are moved by rain, or birds, or vehicles, or curious children. No two rocks have the same story.

I carry a rock in my purse for this very reason: To remind me that we each have our own unique story to tell, and that all of us (like rocks) come from something greater than ourselves.  These questions: Where did we come from, how did we arrive here, and where will we end up… They are the same questions we ask about ourselves. In this way, we have much in common with rocks.

Meditation Space on a Costa Rican beach, taken by my best friend Evie Stewart

Pebbles and stones of various sizes and shapes are used in zen gardens, koi ponds, natural landscaping. They make wonderful meditative sculptures. The statues of Easter Island, The pyramids at Giza, and Michaelangelo’s David – all are made from stone. We use rocks to enhance the beauty around us, to create a sense of peace and balance, and to inspire us to creative artistic heights. We have also historically used rocks as a means of inflicting pain on another. Every light has it’s darkness.

WE are like the rocks. We are the pebbles scattered about the earth. The earth itself is but one pebble floating in the vastness of the universe. We all have our own stories to tell. And we all have a purpose: for beauty and light, or darkness and pain. It is our choice. But regardless of those stories and choices, we all come from one Great Mountain.

“God is my Rock”

We Are The Woods

Hiking in gentle light today

We are the Woods
And We welcome you
To walk among us
To share our secrets

We are the Woods
And We listen still
To your soft footsteps
To the cries of your heart
That are too soft for words
And too loud for sighs

We are the Woods
And We will provide comfort
Sharing your breath
Healing your hurts
As you walk among Us
Searching for peace
And clarity

We are the Woods
And will always be here for you
A living constant
In this changing world

~By: CLB 2010